It’s GOT to be me. Every time I think I have established at least ONE more personal relationship based on mutuality and reciprocity and against Eurocentric psychopathy, something is said or happens that reveals..NOPE! Same old thing. The other person always has a set of rules you have to follow to get along with them and be their friend or whatever. Meanwhile, they are not going to follow yours or be concerned about you and your feelings (unless they decide to climb off their ego horse and choose to be). In the end, they want a servant or a domestic or a sycophant or something subservient to their will and not an equal partner. The common theme seems to be the notion that you can have a relationship involving love WITHOUT personal sacrifice. Wrong! You don’t sacrifice your principles or your goals or aspirations, but you HAVE to sacrifice ego. Love is selflessness, so it BEGINS and MUST begin with the sacrifice of you and your ego only being concerned about me, myself, and I. I am convinced that so many people either don’t get this or simply don’t care enough to want to do the work of real relationship building. And the second sacrifice is understanding that the other person has the same types of needs and wants and desires that you do and the same propensity for mistakes and shortcomings. If there IS a Mr. Right and Miss Right out there, we can forget about them because they are not going to be interested in us imperfect, not right folk and therefore we better try to work something out among ourselves. My pessimism about our collective relationship condition is growing because of this. We cannot approach human relationships on the basis of this is what I want and need while also claiming that the wants and needs of others are unimportant or irrelevant and as much as we like to believe the Eurocentric myth, simply not engaging in human relationships and trying to live on ego is a living death. By the time those who try that path realize it, they have left a thousand righteous hearts broken on the pavement and been run over and into by a legion of psychopaths who are attracted to their own kind.
I really think the model of relationships and mutual interdependence that was our cultural hallmark has been systematically replaced by model of total individualistic independence where your only need for other people is that they do for you without understanding that you must also do for them and be for them to expect that.
I call this the pimp ho dynamic and I am not genderizing it. Either gender can be the ho or the pimp and in fact, I suspect in Eurocentric society the same dynamic may even exist in homosexual relationships. It seems that the only question is which side of the oppressive dynamic you’re going to play.
The notion of the universal law that you must give what you get and that the energy you put out and the words you say and the things you do determines the response you get from others seems poorly or not understood at all.
I have to be the embodiment of what I want in a relationship partner. I have to demonstrate the love I want. IF I am selfish, or arrogant or manipulative or any of that, I’m going to draw that energy and those kind of people and drive away those that are not like that. As I look over my failed relationships, I searched not for faults in the partners but for signs of my own shortcomings which set the template for their conduct and behavior towards me. I found some clear things that I needed to work on and still am working on. But I am willing to do that work and acknowledge those shortcomings. Some kind of stand there, arrogantly with their shortcomings and baggage and say if you want to be connected with me you have to accept this and come over here and they wonder why many won’t come and others who do, often come with that same exploitive character.
If you yourself are indifferent to people, you’re going to end up in relationships with people that are indifferent to your feelings because those who do feel are not going to be able to hang around your indifference.
If you treat sex like it is not to be grounded in emotional and spiritual connection with the person you are participating in it with (objectifying them), you will find yourself often in bed with people who see YOU as solely a sexual object and be wondering why they didn’t care about your feelings.
If you constantly allow those you are in relationships with no room to err or to deviate from your will, prepare to end up in a relationship with some psychopath who is going to try to control everything about your thoughts and actions.
It’s not rocket science. It’s simple. You reap what you sow. If you don’t like what has been coming up in your garden of relationships, its time to plant new and different seeds and fertilize them differently. Try warmth, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, empathy, charity, hope, faith, and maybe love. I hear that those are guaranteed to generate “green thumb” type results.